So, I've got two thoughts. The climax of the story could use some punching up, visually and emotionally. The point from which Rodney calls out the AI, if you could ramp up the action, really make things frantic, and then culminate in the explosion, which could use some detail, that might sell the climax more.
The other thought, the POV switch in the first part interferes a bit with the rising tension. If Rodney is the one having the climactic moment, do we need to see the tension rise in him, not just John? Could the POV switch happen earlier? Have Rodney find the room, call John, show his concern and confusion at John's strange behaviour and seeming precognition. You lose the impact of the visions, but you gain a smoother tension arc. I'm not absolutely convinced myself on this point, but it might work.
Oh, and I see a complete story here. I don't think it needs to be longer, just shaped differently.
no subject
The Turning a Cliché and Channeling the Id sections describe your story exactly. Your orgasm moment, to use Vonnegut's metaphor, is when Rodney gives up all that knowledge--Rodney catnip--for John's life.
So, I've got two thoughts. The climax of the story could use some punching up, visually and emotionally. The point from which Rodney calls out the AI, if you could ramp up the action, really make things frantic, and then culminate in the explosion, which could use some detail, that might sell the climax more.
The other thought, the POV switch in the first part interferes a bit with the rising tension. If Rodney is the one having the climactic moment, do we need to see the tension rise in him, not just John? Could the POV switch happen earlier? Have Rodney find the room, call John, show his concern and confusion at John's strange behaviour and seeming precognition. You lose the impact of the visions, but you gain a smoother tension arc. I'm not absolutely convinced myself on this point, but it might work.
Oh, and I see a complete story here. I don't think it needs to be longer, just shaped differently.