Cut out the first 'and' and you'll be all set--the initial emphasis will match up with the following line. But then the pacing goes a bit off--gah! I can see why you left it in. I guess it's not very noticeable if you're not specifically keeping an ear tuned to it.
Anyway, I really love how you switched up the rhythm scheme to reflect the emotional shift in the middle--Ben going from mad to sympathetic is just beautiful. And the premise is fabulous.
Thank you for sharing both of these wonderful poems with us. I like them very much indeed.
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Date: 2010-09-18 08:31 pm (UTC)Cut out the first 'and' and you'll be all set--the initial emphasis will match up with the following line. But then the pacing goes a bit off--gah! I can see why you left it in. I guess it's not very noticeable if you're not specifically keeping an ear tuned to it.
Anyway, I really love how you switched up the rhythm scheme to reflect the emotional shift in the middle--Ben going from mad to sympathetic is just beautiful. And the premise is fabulous.
Thank you for sharing both of these wonderful poems with us. I like them very much indeed.