Looking for con crit please.

[snowynight]

Title: Wonderland
fandom or original fic genre: Marvel comics, Horror
Characters/Pairings: Luke Cage, Danny Rand, Stephen Strange
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 1369 words

First time posting here! This story 's my first attempt to write a horror story and I would especially like help in structure and the atmosphere.

He opened the door, which led to another door. He opened that door, hoping to find a way out of it, but it only led to more doors. There were numerous doors to choose from, big, small, round, square, red, black but they all led to another doors. Far aside there was sound of falling water. He followed the corridors, trying to reach there, trying to reach somewhere other than doors, but when he opened the door, it only led to another door.

***

“You are Heroes for Hire, right? You can do everything?” the voice from the phone asked.

“Only for legal stuff. We’re not criminals.” Luke answered.

“It’s definitely legal. I need help, I need help immediately!” the voice shouted, then ended with a sob.

“See you at our office then,” Luke said.

Walking through doors and doors, he could only follow the sounds transmitted to him. Somewhere there was laughing , shouting, and singing. They sounded so happy that the cheers vibrated through the air, made his heart burst with hope. But the sounds kept being out of reach, always ahead of him , nearly touched but never. At last it became taunting, taunting him of what he could never had.
***

“I need your help, urgent.” Their client said. His eyes were red-rimmed, as if he hadn’t been able to sleep for many days. His clothes was ruffled, and even Luke noticed the smell.

“How can we help you?” Luke asked.

“There’re people in green hats. A man with green hat approached me several days ago that his friend in green hat will punch me, cut me into pieces, and drop me into the river. I know he’s not joking. I know. I need protection. There are many people with green hats on the street. I can’t avoid them all.

Luke exchanged a glance with Danny. Is this man serious? It said something about their job nature that Luke wouldn’t regard he as a crazy man at once, but clearly their prospective client didn’t feel stable. “We ask for a high fee. Can you afford it?”

The man pulled a fat wallet out of his coat, and threw all the banknotes inside it with shaking hands. “I will pay you everything!”

He walked to the end of the corridor, and he stretched his hand, half expected to open another door, but there was none. Instead there was an unyielding brick wall ahead. He turned back, wanting to go through the previous door he passed through.

There was none.

***

Luke’s client holed up in his own flat, half spilling wine out of his glass. “I tell you, the people in green hats are a legion. They’re everywhere. They ‘re your boss, your colleague, your neighbours, your friends...”

Luke feigned interest in listening to him, and once more wondered why he took this job. He drew the short straw and took the first shift. But now it seemed that his client needed a strait jacket rather than a body guard.

Luke’s client handed a glass to him. “Drink, I can only trust a man who drink.” Luke want to refuse, but the client seemed very stubborn it. So he drank.

Stranded in now where, He felt that his heart beat faster. The air seemed to be thinner. Cold wind which came from nowhere brushed over him. Sweat dropped from his forehead despite the cooling temperature. Foot steps could be heard, getting louder and louder. Every step stomped on his heart.
***

When Luke walked in the office, Danny was so focused on the newspaper that he didn’t notice him. Luke walked behind him carefully and stomped on his shoulder. “What’re you reading?”

Danny turned around and smiled. “When ‘re you so sneaky? Well, I’m reading the headline. It said the New York Ripper stroke again.”

“The media is unoriginal,” Luke said, “Who did the scum kill this time?”

“A man called John Heathbone. The newspaper said his sister found him, and the scene was... A Homicide cop passed out when he saw that,” he lowered his voice, “You know what’s so scary? The worst wounds on the victim was caused by himself.”

“I surely hope the police will get him soon. How many did he kill now?”

“Eight in a week. The police suspects that there’re more victims. The detective said,...”

“You would think that there’re so many costumed freak here, they should really help to tackle this.”

“So you want to get involved?”

“Hell not. We have a job to do. Listen...”

He stepped backward, pressing himself harder to the wall, to get away from... from this. There was no language to describe the … looming thing before him. It smelt wrong. It sounded wrong. It looked wrong. There was so many wrong in it that... His hair stood, he wanted to close his eyes but he couldn’t, his eyes was stretched open. Pain attacked him. He thought of the time when he had been so desperate that he had agreed to the scientist’s experiment, the pain he had felt when the skin had been stretched and torn and broke, the way his bone had creaked and linked and broke and then reformed again, the pain that he had sworn would kill him again and again, but it was a child’s game compared to now. He threw his head and banged it against the wall, to give him some relief from the pain. But it was everlasting. And the thing hadn’t done anything to him yet. Not yet. Its sole presence was causing harm. He wanted to faint. Consciousness was a curse now. But he couldn’t. He was deprived of the last relief.

There was a new voice. At first he didn’t notice it. But the voice was getting more insistent. “Say a name!” it shouted, “Say a name!” He still couldn’t pay any attention to it, and the voice now had more pleading. “Say a name, please. Do you remember me?” the voice pleaded. “Please remember me.”

“Luke, you must remember me.”

Yes, He is Luke, and the voice is...


“Danny?” His throat was as dry as the desert, but he managed to make a word.

Then Luke found himself in Danny’s arms, and Danny was laughing and crying at the same time. “You ‘re all right!” he shouted, “Don’t scare me like that again!” He held Luke so tight that Luke nearly couldn’t breathe.

Luke whispered, “What’s happened?”

“You should give him space. He is in a fragile enough state that he needs to rest,” another authoritative voice interrupted.

“Sorry, Luke,” Danny said sheepishly, then he helped Luke to settled in a hard chair. Luke still felt weak and the residual pain made him wince, but he around and noticed that he was in someone’s study. There were stacks and stacks of books on the bookshelf.

Luke raised his head --- Why was it so difficult?--- and saw Doctor Strange, looking grim. Although Luke still could not grasp what exactly happened, but considering that he was in Strange ’s library, Strange must have helped him.

“Thank you.”

“Not all all. Your friend is a great help here,” Strange said, “He was frantic.”

Danny smiled with a blush. “You don’t know how I worried .

Luke looked at Danny and Strange again. Danny didn’t know Strange, and there were no ways Strange just let a stranger buzz in his sanctuary, so for Danny to find Strange... ”You’re a buddy,” he said wholeheartedly. “But can anyone tell me what’s happened?”

“You saw something that should be forbidden to mortals.” Strange only said. Luke knew him enough that it would be futile to ask further. He could ask Danny later, anyway. He stood up and found that his legs were too shaking to support him. Danny quickly held him up. It was a bit embarrassing.

Luke and Danny thanked and said goodbye to Doctor Strange. When they walked out, the sun shone one them, like every other day. Luke felt dizzy. He thought he would have many sleepless night from now on.

“Let’s go and grab some burgers,” he said, putting aside his memory.

“Let’s go.” Danny agreed. When they walked to their favourite diner, a man with green hat passed by them.