Children's story - Monster School

[penny_dreadful]

And another - sorry for two posts in such quick succession! Again, any concrit would be most gratefully received.

Ben is angry. Every night,
As soon as he turns out the light,
Some slurping, burping, bumping Creep
Is stopping him from going to sleep.
 

Beneath the bed are Collywobbles,
Having scraps and silly squabbles,
The Weirdos in the wardrobe snore…
Ben can’t stand it any more.

Beaneath the stairs a Monster waits
With eyes the size of dinner plates.
It’s nesting in his anorak –
He glares until it gives it back.
He finds the castle where they teach
The baby Creatures how to creech,
And tells them, rather angrily,
To go away and let him be.

But matters at the Monster School
Are not as he’d have guessed.
The Spider-Things are sulking
And the Dragons are distressed.
They’ve worked so hard on fur and fangs
And extra eyes and teeth
And lurking under children’s beds
And whuffling beneath…

Ben explains the best technique
For making little sisters squeak,
And leaving dirty socks in heaps –
That always gives grown-ups the creeps.

 Ben knows how to trample flowers
And play his toy trombone for hours
And thirty ways to use a frog
The monsters sit there all agog.
They try to finger paint the cat,
But tentacles aren’t good for that,
And scabby knees and getting sticky
Altogether sound too tricky.

They’re good at cupboard lurking,
And inspiring scary dreaming,
And if that isn’t working,
Jumping out and screaming.
These other tricks sound hard, but then,
They’re amateurs compared to Ben.
They’ll stick to growls and sounding gruff,
And he can do the clever stuff.

Comments

[brigid]

I'm sorry that I haven't anything constructive to say. Both of these feel really polished and professional and like they should be in a collection, illustrated.

[penny_dreadful]

Thank you very much indeed! Can't ask for nicer concrit than that!

I have some chapters from a longer piece posted on the comm if you scroll back a couple of days.

[jjhunter]

Nitpicking: You have nine syllables here:

And scabby knees and getting sticky

Cut out the first 'and' and you'll be all set--the initial emphasis will match up with the following line. But then the pacing goes a bit off--gah! I can see why you left it in. I guess it's not very noticeable if you're not specifically keeping an ear tuned to it.

Anyway, I really love how you switched up the rhythm scheme to reflect the emotional shift in the middle--Ben going from mad to sympathetic is just beautiful. And the premise is fabulous.

Thank you for sharing both of these wonderful poems with us. I like them very much indeed.

[penny_dreadful]

I'm delighted you like them; thank you.

I'm aware I tend to be a touch clumsy with scanning - sometimes it interferes with the effect I want, if you understand what I mean?

If you're interested in reading a longer (non-rhyming) piece, there are some chapters from a YA novel posted to the comm if you scroll back a couple of days.

[jjhunter]

The effect is definitely the most important part. A scanning blip here and there is not a big deal; you've a very deft hand in general, and as I said, this particular instance doesn't really stick out much.

Re: the novel bits...after dinner, I shall investigate!